A Different Kind of Documentary. 05/30/2009

Posted by KnicKy in Random Blog!.
Tags: homeless fighting bob and moe knicky
add a comment

We’re here today, in the roughest and most testing area of the city.  It’s truly a place that millions overlook, as they pass by it more than a dozen times in a week: the alley way.  Businesses use it to store their rubbish, and homeless folk use it as a form of shelter.  Hi I’m Guy Saylor and today we’re going to look at one of the most diverse locations in the city, and it’s inhabitants.  We’re going to go beyond the boundaries of the normal documentary and bring this to you in a way American’s love to see things – through bare fist fighting!  Along side me is former Homeless Fighting Champion Roy Parker.

Roy: It’s great to be back here, where it all ended and then started again for me, Guy.  Today’s fight is going to be something truly special, as we’ll have to fighters gutting it out for the ultimate prize.  In the blue corner, we have a former military man with a former caring, loving family – “Sergeant Homeless” Billy Bob!  And in the red corner, we have a former stock broker – “No mo-mo-mo-money” Moe Piyaza.  Both men are very determined for a chance at a new life, here today.

Guy: Today’s fight will be three five minute rounds, and victory is obtained by submission, knock out or by our voting.  Let’s get this bad boy started!

Round One

Moe and Bob come to the middle of the alleyway, Moe continuing to sing his own entrance music, as both start to exchange rights and lefts.  Moe connects with a few right hands in succession, and begins to build some momentum in the match, cracking his fist across the jaw of Bob several times!

Guy: Those are some truly impressive right hands from Moe, seems he really has some pent up rage from the stock crash in ’98.

Roy: Unfortunately though Guy, those punches aren’t doing much damage, as Bob recently sold his teeth to purchase a 3 ply cardboard box, which he now calls home!

Guy: Three ply!  Wow, must’ve cost him a fortune!

Bob ducks under a right hook from Moe and kicks his aging opponent in the ribs, a large cracking sound stopping the fight momentarily.

Roy: Wow, seems as though Moe has built up a resistance to pain after he was dishonourably discharged from the army for selling crack to children in Iraq just last year.

Guy: I’m still surprised he has gone from that to homeless in one year, Roy.

Roy: Well, a lot of people don’t know that when he returned home, much earlier than expected, he found his wife cheating on him with a Brazilian model, and his meth addiction spiralled out of control, sending him to the alleys to fend for himself.

Guy: Unbelievable Roy!  So the cracked rib he just suffered could almost be seen as a positive in his life, right now!  With careful planning, Moe can land himself in a hospital bed shooting morphine directly into his asshole in a few days!

Bob grabs Moe and takes him to the ground, as both men start to slug it out, punching anything from their head to their knees.  Even though Bob has straddled Moe and is in control, Bob seems to become tired much quicker than Moe.  With the change in momentum, Moe shoves Bob off him, and straddles his opponent, landing some mean rights and lefts.

Roy: One has to believe it’s the strict cardboard diet that Moe’s been on for almost three months now, that gives him the upper hand!

Guy: Absolutely, cardboard is high in protein, and means he has a lot more energy.

Moe whips his pants down and flaps his genitalia out, it seeing daylight for the first time in a looong time, as he smiles.  He closes his eyes and slowly begins to urinate on Bob’s face, as passersby hurry along.

Guy: Wow, such a low handed move here from Moe Piyaza, Roy.

Roy: Again, a big move but to no avail.  Bob has been drinking his own urine for several weeks, and I’m sure the presence of another man’s urine in his mouth is a refreshing change.

Guy: And Moe has to be careful he doesn’t slap his penis against Bob’s face, as that would count as a Disqualification via Homoeroticism.

Roy: That’s right – this is hobos fighting Guy, not homos.

Bob shoves Moe to the side and gets to his feet, wiping the urine from his face as the two men circle about in the alley way.  Throwing little jabs here and there, Moe connects to the gummy mouth of Bob, before he lands a big knee to his chest.  Bob stumbles and falls into some garbage bags, as Moe pounces on him.  Both Bob and Moe start fighting like mad men, yelling random profanities and sayings as they scramble about in the trash.  Bob grabs an empty bottle from within the trash and smashes it over Moe’s head, which knocks him out cold.  Bob climbs out of the trash and looks down at the now bleeding Moe Piyaza in the trash.  He turns as Guy and Roy approach him, and shake his hand.

Guy: Well Bob, that was a great fight here today, what are your thoughts?

Bob: What’d I win?

Guy and Roy laugh.

Roy: Well Bob, with today’s effort being as impressive as it was, we have something big lined up for you.

Guy: Something big indeed!

Roy: We know you’ve been stalking your daughters for several months now, and we decided to do something you could never do-

Guy: -Because you’re not man enough to do it-

Roy: -We approached your daughters, and asked them to come see you today, after your fight!

Bob smiles broadly and hugs Roy then Guy, before dancing like a hobo.

Guy: Unfortunately Bob, they declined the offer so we did the next best thing.

Roy reaches into his pocket…

Roy: We got you … ONE OF HER FINGERS!

Guy: A piece of memorabilia you can cherish for weeks to come-

Roy: -As long as you keep it on ice.

Roy and Guy laugh.  Bob seems to be outraged, as he looks back and forth between Roy and Guy.

Guy: Oh don’t worry Bob, we know what you’re worried about.  “Oh gosh guys, I’m only going to lose this in a few hours when I drink myself to sleep off my own sterile, yet tasty urine”.

Roy: Well we’ve got the solution – it’s on a string, so you can wear it around your neck!

Guy: Problem solved.