Viral Violations

Nose bleeds, is it a challenge? 05/15/2009

Firstly I have to say thank you and welcome to my blog!  This is my first real time at blogging, and I hope you all enjoy it.

This first blog comes from inspiration from a friend of mine, Matt (NZ), as possibly a challenge, as much as a comedic piece.  Nose bleeds.  Not everyone gets them, and those who get them, must hate it.  I’m sure guys would feel like it’s a period happening right there on their face.  That HAS to be embarrassing.  Possibly even embarrassing enough to want to cut your wrists, so you know that the blood will dribble from your body, other than your nose.  Surely there would be bad times, or places to get a nosebleed, and that’s what I’m going to talk about in this blog.  So let’s get started!

Dinner, when you’re meeting your partners parents for the first time.

You’re all sitting around the dinner table, munching down something that smells a little bit like your grandma’s cat.  Don’t fool yourself though, it tastes good – bloody good in fact.  Despite using those words to describe your meal, blood is the last thing you want to see on your plate … especially in your mashed potato.  You happen to glance down and see two splatters of blood in your ‘tato and quickly wipe away the blood from your nose with your hand, before anyone notices.  You excuse yourself from the table and make your way to the bathroom, locking the door behind you.  Your eyes widen when you look into the mirror and see a fair bit of blood, dribbling from your nostrils to your mouth.  The warm blood sneaking into your mouth is accompanied by panic as you fiddle through your partner’s parent’s cupboards, looking for anything to clean up and stop the bleeding.  You snatch some tissues and fold it a few times before rolling it into what looks like an elongated joint.  You take each end and jab them up your nostrils, ignoring how retarded you look with a tissue nose-ring dangling from your face.

Now you need to stop this period shit from covering my poor attempts at a Hitler-stash!  I see some tampons sitting in the back corner, and chuckle as I grab some cotton buds.  I break them off at the cotton ends and proceed to stick them slowly up each nostril, pushing them until you feel that certain point – you know the one.  You were young, picking your nose back then wasn’t looked down among your friends, as it is now.  You take your pinky because even though it’s small, its girth is significantly less than your other fingers, and you slide it up slowly and carefully, seeing just how far your nose goes.  Your nostril opens and there’s that single thought that shoots through your mind – where you think you’re going to touch your brain.  You quickly retract, and mentally block the moment from your memory.  This is how far you push the cotton bud, concealing the short white piece of absorbent in your nostril.  You smile as you make your way back out to the dinner table and sit beside your partner, patting her leg, your confidence spiking for a few moments.  Then it happens…

Sneezing, you cover your mouth and turn to the side.  The cotton buds, tickling your nostrils and causing you to sneeze, land in your hands, covered in blood.  You lift your head from your hands, exposing your blood stained palms to everyone at the table, hoping your boyish smile lessens the awkwardness.

Ok, so it seems as though my list, thus far, is consisting of scenarios with your partner.  Surely, a partner would understand your nosebleeds, and would accept that as you, and thus these would not be on the list.  For the sake of argument though, let’s assume your partner is a tool bag, and there’s that single thought crossing your mind, where you see him/her being hit by a truck full of cow shit.  They couldn’t have the open casket funeral he/she always wanted, because the smell is indescribable.  Ok, enough side tracking, onto the scenario number two!

Making out with your partner.

You’re currently watching Sex and the City on the sofa, and now you’re understanding that the hype behind the movie was exaggerated more than you can physically comprehend.  Thinking that you need to get the hell out of this shit, you lean over to your significant other and kiss them on the neck.  Things don’t take long til you’re minds are no longer focused on the warm glow of the television set.  You’re doing your shit, and you’re doing it well when the unthinkable happens.  You feel a warm trickle of blood roll from your nostril, and not being able to think quickly enough – you end up wiping a small bit of your facial period blood onto his/her face.  They seem to ignore it, and you thank your lucky stars they didn’t feel it.  However, your body isn’t finished fucking with you just yet.  You feel the dribble of blood make its way down to your lips, as your partner throws their head back.

Males…

You look at your gal, and slowly wipe the blood from your face.  You raise your hand, and gently rub away the bit of period blood from her face, as she looks at your stunned – sort of like a tool bag.  Hearing the usual monologue of Carrie from the tele, you smile slightly and begin…

“You know how, last week when we were at my place.  We were on my bed, and I found out you were on your period, the hard way?-“

You think associating her period with yours will smooth things over, however it doesn’t.  Her eyes widen a little, as she stands and walks out of the room.  You’re left in the room, with a ranting Carrie Bradshaw on the tele, and a semi in your pants.  Fucking nosebleeds.

Females…

Your man leans back and looks at the blood that’s trickled down your nose.  You smile empathetically hoping he doesn’t freak out, when you start to talk…

“You know how, last week when we were at my place.  We were on my bed, and you found out that I was having my period, the hard way?-“

You hoping that trying to make out that this period is far less awkward than your other period will smooth things over, and it does.  You know he wants it more than you do, and you can feel that between your legs right now.  Fuck yeh, for nosebleeds.

Damn you woman, messing with our male sex drives!

An open casket funeral.

You’re not entirely sure why you’re here.  You’re sitting in the third row back, which seems way too close to the corpse, at a very uneasy funeral.  The priest running this gig takes his seat, leaving those in attendance to pay their last respect, by the casket.  You stand and, despite your ‘efforts’ to get out while you can, are forced into the line which leads to your ex’s lifeless body.  You crack a quick wise joke about how much better things would’ve been between you two, if she was lifeless like she/he is now in your relationship, when it’s your turn.  You’re lost for words – firstly because everything that needs to be said, has been said.  Secondly, the smell of her/his corpse is so repulsive it’s making your nose itch.  You shut your eyes, and pretend like you’re sad over her/his death, however all that’s running through your head is the fight you two had, which lead to her/his death.  She/he was so blind with rage they didn’t even see the truck, full of cow shit.  You open your eyes, admiring the work the undertakers did, piecing her/his body back together when you see two splatters of blood on her/his neck.  You freak out, and touch at your nose.

Think, dammit.  Your mind is clustered with the vile names you called her/him before her/his obliteration from this planet, and with ways to clean up your period blood.  You take the small piece of cloth in your pocket and pretend to wipe tears from your eyes.  You look back at those still waiting to pay their respects whilst cleaning your nose, asking for one more minute.  You scrunch up the cloth in your hand and lean down, as if to give the cold and soulless embodiment of your ex a hug and kiss, when in fact you’re rubbing the blood off her/his neck.  You stand upright, and continue your award winning performance as you look back at those waiting, and wipe a fake tear from your eye.  You stuff the cloth into your pocket as you leave the line, and head for the door.  You’re smiling, even though you shouldn’t be, as you just avoided the most awkward moment of your week, thus far.  The smile quickly vanishes from your face however, as you hear a lady shriek behind you, followed by several others gasping and shouting…

“There’s blood on her neck!  There’s blood everywhere!”

You touch your nose once more, find there’s still period blood there and begin to walk a little quicker than before.